Nomad.
The word is first spoken by my godmother.
I’m “home” for less than a week:
visit godparents;
dentist;
eye doctor;
visit grandparents;
gone.
It gives a word to what I’ve been feeling
these past two years.
I chose a school
hours away from home.
An hour and 15 minutes by plane
(plus an hour-plus drive from the airport in both states).
Twelve or so by car.
I left early for summer classes
and when I stepped on campus,
moving in,
starting this new chapter
(no matter how cliché that may seem),
I couldn’t wait.
In the spring,
I got a little too drunk and cried.
My senior friends were leaving
and I was leaving my home
and things would never be the same
(and I’ve always been a little too emotional when I’m tired).
I drove home with my mother
and realized once I got there
this is no longer my home
Once upon a time
people knew me as “Elias’s little sister” or “Jo’s little sister”
one boy even called me “little Elias”
Teachers at school always saw my brothers in me
always asked after them when they had the chance.
Summer after my freshman year of college
I worked at the same place my brothers had
and the ladies I worked with were the same;
asking after my brothers,
comparing me to them.
I never knew how much it bothered me
until the comparisons had gone away
then come back
At school
I am nobody’s little sister
I am Giggles, smol, any sort of cuss that still manages to hold
fondness
but people don’t see my brothers in me.
People don’t see anybody in me
but me.
My mother talks about going home.
“Your home maybe,” my godmother jokes.
“But it’s not her home.”
She’s right.
But my home is so impermanent,
packed up and moved every couple of months,
or abandoned for a week with nothing but what I can carry in
a backpack and suitcase.
Home is where the heart is.
But how can a heart reside somewhere that doesn’t exist?
Maybe one day
I can find a place I can call home
But until then
I’ll wander aimlessly.
Indiana, Minnesota.
Minnesota, Indiana.
(A wild Ohio appears!)
(Then disappears and fades into the background)
Two places warring for my heart.
But one day I’ll leave them both behind
and wander till I find that place.
That place where everything just says
yes.
Or maybe once a nomad
always a nomad.