A Story of My Arrest by a Band of AWS Ninjas

-Jack Cooperman

“Welcome, welcome, welcome!” says CEO Matt Gardenman, the successor of Adam

Slipsky. Before Adam was Andy Jammy, and before him was Jeff Bebop himself, the founder of Amazork, and one of the richest men in the world.

“Hi,” is all I manage to get out before Matt takes me by the shoulders and leads me into the Seattle headquarters of Amazork Web Services, better known as AWS.

“We have everything you could possibly want! We’re fast, reliable, scalable, and flexible!” he says as we’re basically running to the elevators. I try to slow down but impeding the bubbly CEO behind me is like trying to stop a freight train with a stick.

“Well, actually, I came here for—” I try again.

“One of our 200 plus web-based services? Of course, we can help! Let’s take you down to the ground floor and you can meet the team!”

We step into the elevator, the doors of which close softly with a cute little ding! I see the floor indicator change from “1” to “0” to “GND,” but we don’t stop there. No, several more basements and sub-basements pass us by. During the whole time, Matt is telling me how hard it is to get so many models to listen to one command. “. . . But a little difficulty never stopped us,” he finishes. We stop at floor level “ΩZ3.” The cute little ding! happens again and the doors open.

I find myself in a large subterranean cavern watching a lot of Amazork guards herd nerdy looking people like cattle. They all have the “Hello, my name is . . .” stickers on and look somewhat displeased by the treatment. I catch a few of their names. “Claude” and “Mistral” are two I see.

“Welcome to Bedrock!” declares Matt.

“What are you doing to them?” I ask.

Just then an AWS worker walks up to the nerd herd with a megaphone. She takes a deep breath and I fight an instinctual urge to cover my ears with my hands. THE USER WANTS HIS CONTENT! the woman says through the megaphone.

All the models in the herd take out their phones and rapidly do some computations.

“Isn’t that cool? No more asking models individually to do things! Now we can just yell at them at once, and they’ll do it!” Matt says enthusiastically.

“Yes, well, I’d actually like to—” I begin.

“See more action? No problem! At Amazork Web Services, we do everything!” Matt

exclaims as we sprint back to the elevators.

The next floor we see looks like a military command center. A giant monitor showing magic numbers and percentages takes center stage. A host of workstations with an unholy number of knobs and levers ring the room. In the middle of it all is a massive table with ten buff old men in military uniform. The one sitting at the head of the table has an impressive mustache and his green uniform is so covered with medals it makes him look like a Christmas tree when he suddenly stands up.

“Professor! How are we looking?” he says in a loud voice.

A wizened old man with a comically long list appears from nowhere in particular. “That’s Dr. I.A.M. Permissions,” Matt says to me excitedly, like I’d have heard of him before.

“It all seems to be in order, General Amplify,” the Professor squeaks as he adjusts reading glasses that more closely resemble magnifying glasses.

“Alright men! Deployment is a go! Amazork Prime the dependencies!” General Amplify

shouts into a microphone. A host of soldiers run out from a tunnel and sit at the

workstations, turning knobs and pulling levers with trained precision.

Suddenly a large face appears on the monitor. There’s nothing overly remarkable about the face, but I suddenly feel a strong urge to touch grass.

“How long will it be, General?” says the face.

“Not long now, Mr. User,” Amplify responds.

Minutes stretch on as Mr. User looks increasingly bored.

Suddenly, a young soldier in the back grabs an intercom. “General!”

Mr. User’s eyes widen, and he sits straight up in his chair.

“What is it, soldier?” replies Amplify.

“It’s done . . .” the soldier says, and Mr. User looks excited, “. . . with provisioning. Deploying now.” Mr. User flops back into his chair, looking miserable.

“Good work, Colonel,” says the General. “Keep me updated.”

Ten minutes go by, and nothing happens. Then, the lights in the room pulse red, and a klaxon blares. The room descends into a pandemonium as panicked soldiers run around with papers flying out of their hands.

“General, we have a build error!”

“General, we have to cancel the deployment now!”

“We’re all gonna die!”

General Amplify slams his fist on the table and gets everyone’s attention. “Come on, men! We can get through this! What’s the error?”

“General, it’s the worst kind! Tell my family I love them!”

“Spit it out, soldier!”

“An unused import!” A gasp echoes through the room.

“Get yourself together, soldier! You’ll get home to your family tonight, I’ll make sure of it,” says Amplify, who turns to the face on the monitor, which has now gone ghostly white.

“Mr. User, you appear to have an unused import. This must be corrected, or the entire system could go down!” the General says.

“But—but it’s unused! How could that hurt anything?” Mr. User says.

A second gasp echoes through the room, and the General’s face turns stony. “Mr. User, with all due respect, the lives of my men are involved. I must ask you to correct your error if we are to make the deployment.”

“Exciting, huh?” says Matt as he takes me by the arm again. “Let’s continue, shall we? How about a swim?” “What? But I—I don’t have my bathing suit,” I stammer.

“That’s what the Amazork Essentials line is for!” Matt says as he hands me a bathing suit. “There’s a bathroom over there. Get yourself changed and we’ll be off!”

I make my way across the command center to the bathroom. Out of the corner of my eye, I see a rustle in a nearby potted plant. I begin to walk toward it. Suddenly a figure clad in a black onesie holding binoculars jumps out and runs off through the tunnels the soldiers came out of.

Not the weirdest thing I’ve seen today.

After I change into the bathing suit, Matt hurries me into the elevator once again.

The next time the doors open, I find myself looking at a water park. We’re still indoors but now that we’re above ground, there are windows that let in sunlight. I’m glad to see it’s still daytime.

There are slides and wave pools, and I think I even see a lazy river. There are too many patrons to count.

A lifeguard walks up to us. He’s dressed sort of funny. He’s got black aviators and a black fedora in addition to the Red Cross-certified rescue tube resting across his bare chest. He looks like a secret agent having a beach day.

“The user pool is secure, sir,” the lifeguard says to Matt.

“Very good! I have someone I’d like you to meet.” Matt looks at me and gestures to the lifeguard, “This is Cognito, he runs security.”

I give a little wave. Cognito doesn’t say a word but takes out a little notepad and makes a few notes. I never gave my name, but somehow it seems he already knows it.

“Does the Professor know?” Cognito asks Matt.

“Hmmm,” Matt looks thoughtful. “I may have forgotten to mention it,” Matt says bashfully.

Cognito’s face darkens. “The Watch will be after him,” he warns.

I feel dread crawling up my chest.

“Shouldn’t be a problem with me around!” Matt says. “Come on, son, let’s show you the Sage.”

Two minutes later I find myself on the top of a mountain overlooking a valley full of lakes and warehouses.

“Aren’t all the data lakes and warehouses cool to look at?” Matt says. “We’re here to visit SageMaker. He lives at the top of that mountain. The Lakehouse.” He points to a mountain far off in the distance. “Be careful you don’t get lost or trip on an S3 bucket!”

With that, Matt sprints through the wilderness. I’m struck speechless by Matt’s behavior; he’s attached to my hip this entire time and then he just leaves me in the wilderness? Are we even still in the Headquarters building?

I find a nearby S3 bucket, turn it over, and sit. I stare up at the blue cloudless sky, trying to find any sign that I’m in a giant room and didn’t travel through a portal. I’m beginning to think that I really did travel through a portal when I hear a rustle in the leaves. I snap my head to look at the sound, and I see the same guy in the black pajamas and binoculars jump out and start running past me.

“Hey! Stop! Please!” I holler as I take off after him.

He’s the thin, wiry type, and a lot faster than you’d think. Still, having done cross country in middle school, I was more than his match. I push my left foot into the ground mid-run, launching myself into the air. As gravity begins pulling me down, I tackle the man in the black pajamas.

“Urgh, get off!” he says. “The Watch will be after you!”

“What’s the Watch?” I ask. “I just want to get to HR.”

The man’s eyes search the skies above us.

“What are you looking for?” I ask.

“Clouds,” he replies, obviously disappointed he didn’t see any. Then he brings his attention to me. “You’ll leave me alone if I take you to HR?” he asks.

“Yes!” I didn’t mean to shout, but I was so relieved I couldn’t help it.

“Geez, calm down. Fine, I’ll take you,” he says. “Get off, will you? Your knees hurt.”

I get off of him and help him up. He picks up his fallen binoculars and gives me a pointed look, showing me a chip on the lens. “I’m sorry,” I say.

He grumbles and then begins leading me through the wilderness. We eventually come to a cave, and then he stops. “This is as far as I go. Go in there, and you’ll reach HR.”

“Why can’t you go in, too?” I ask.

“The Watch only has me on SageMaker and Amplify duty,” he says curtly. “Watch out for Cloud.” With that, he gives a hard shove into the cave.

I quickly lose my footing, and I tumble down a slope further into the cave, small stones cutting into my knees, drawing blood. Great, now I’ll be bloody. I sigh as I continue to fall, allowing the darkness to consume me.

I’m evaluating my options when I realize I’m in free fall. I scream a bit, and then I get tired, so I return to silence. With a deep plunging sound, I enter a body of water. I close my eyes and hope for a quick end.

Strangely enough, though, I don’t feel water entering my lungs and a bright glow shines through my eyelids. I open my eyes hesitantly.

I find myself in a waiting room. It’s got wood paneled floors, three occupied couches arranged as a square with an open side, and a coffee table sitting in the middle. I pick myself off the ground where I was sprawled.

A receptionist sees me getting up and says from her desk, “Are you hear for the serverless Lambda function position?”

“Well, no,” I say. “I actually—”

“Please take a seat, then,” he says. The man returns his attention to his computer and I can tell I’m not going to get much more out of him. I sigh and find an open spot on a couch. I sit down to a man and woman having a discussion.

“How’s the new job?” the woman says.

“Amazing!” the man says. “I started an hour ago and I’m already collecting a paycheck! With this kind of pay and working only an hour this week, I can do everything!”

“Like what?” she asks.

“The kid’s got a school play tonight. She’s the lobster in Beauty and the Beast,” he says proudly.

“I was not aware Beauty and the Beast had a lobster in it,” she replies.

“Well, there usually isn’t, but my daughter specializes in lobster acting, so the director made an exception.”

“Oh.”

“Mr. Rip?” the receptionist calls. “Do we have a May You Rip present?”

“That’s me!” the man says as he goes to the front desk.

“Here you are, Mr. Rip,” the receptionist hands him a fat envelope.

“Thank you!” Mr. Rip says.

“Now, goodbye, and thank you for working for Amazork Web Services,” the receptionist pulls a lever behind his desk. The wood panel beneath Mr. Rip slides open and he falls through the floor.

The receptionist puts the lever back into place, muffling Mr. Rip’s screams.

The blood drains from my face from what I just saw. The woman next to me noticed.

“You alright?” she asks me.

“Did he—are they—?” I try.

“Yes,” she says. “Simply a part of the job. Serverless Lambda functions die when they’re not needed, that’s why they’re called ‘serverless.’ Great pay, but terrible job security. Even worse regular security.”

“Pros and cons then,” I mutter, still disturbed.

“That’s right! More cons, though, if you ask me. Life insurance premiums are through the roof. Vision and dental aren’t even offered,” she says.

Right then the door opens, and a woman close to my age walks up to the desk. “Do you have any openings for the serverless Lambda role?” she asks.

“We sure do! A spot just opened up!” the receptionist tells her.

“Great, here’s my resume,” the girl says, handing him a piece of paper.

“Terrific, we’ll be in touch,” the receptionist assures her. With a spring in her step, the woman exits.

Gathering my wits, I stand up and walk towards the receptionist.

“Yes?” he asks.

“Yeah, um—I’d like to discuss—” I stammer.

“What’s your employee identification number?”

“Oh, uh, I don’t work here, but—” I try again.

“Oh dear, that just won’t do!” he says. I peek over the desk and see his hand slam down on a big red button. Just like in the command center, a klaxon blares. But this time, a pleasant voice rings out, “Intruder alert! Intruder alert!” The other people waiting in the room stand up and start looking around anxiously.

Suddenly, there’s a sound of glass breaking, and a group of ninjas encircle me. They look similar to the guy I saw earlier with the binoculars. They are all wearing black pajamas and holding swords. An emblem of a cloud rests on the upper left of their chests.

“It’s the Cloudwatch!” someone yells.

“Look, I was just—” I say to no one in particular.

“Being arrested? We know, we’re doing it,” one ninja says.

“The tense you’re implying doesn’t make sense,” I say. “What am I being arrested for?”

“Sorry, our logs cost money,” they say.

I begin to respond, but then the ninja raises his sword and darkness takes me.

I awake to find myself in a bright, classic interrogation room with the usual steel chair, table, cuffs, and the presumably one-sided mirror. I hear a door behind me unlock, and excited footsteps come around me.

Matt appears and sits in the chair across from me. His usual smile somehow makes the atmosphere even more eerie. “Oh, there you are! I see you’ve met the Cloudwatch! They’re a bunch of great guys that make debugging easy!”

“Right . . .” I say.

“Well, what do you think?” he asks me, suddenly focused.

“What do I think about what?” I ask.

“How fast, reliable, scalable, and flexible we are!” he says. “We do everything!”

I have nothing to say about that. Matt doesn’t seem bothered by my silence.

“So what do you want? We do everything!”

“Well—” I begin.

“Bedrock? SageMaker? Amplify?” he asks.

“...I—”

“Lambda functions? AppSync GraphQL APIs? RoboMaker?” he continues. A little

desperation enters his voice.

“...really just want—”

“What? We’re fast, reliable, scalable, and flexible! We do everything!” Matt cries.

“...an internship,” I finish.

“Oh,” Matt says, and he finally stops talking.

I wait. “Well?” I ask.

“Yeah, we don’t do internships,” he says.